Friday, July 30, 2010

Recursive Inside-Out Garment Nemesis!

To me, life is far too complicated and challenging to spend much time figuring out clothing.
I love abstractions and philosophy. Clothing is at the bottom of my priority list.

This blog post is my confession:

#1 Pyjamas.

I walked into Kmart, and bought the first pyjamas I saw. When I arrived home Rachel couldn't believe her eyes, rolled her eyes, and has been giving me grief ever since.
This is why:
Happy monkeys! Yay!
What's wrong with fluorescent orange PJs with happy monkeys and bananas? I'm 34 years old, I don't need to worry about fashion when asleep, do I?

I only noticed a few moments ago when I took this photograph, that the arm sleeve is badly ripped. I don't notice these things.


#2 Shoes + Artliners
Some would say you can't go wrong with shoes. Rachel helped me buy a normal, non-monkeys-and-bananas black pair to wear at work. The problem came after many months when they became scruffy and the black faded to gray/white.
Yes I have heard of polishing, and I've even succeeded in the past. It just seems like too much effort for mere clothing.
So, genius that I am, I grabbed a permanent black marker and coloured the white bits in instead.
They haven't looked quite normal since. This is their current state - you can see the fading ink:

I'll have to polish them I suppose.

#3 The wrong trousers.

Every now and then I have a moment where I gain new insight into my clothing-impoverishing brain.
I snuck out the back this morning in my undies to fetch my jeans from the line. There they were:

I went back inside and put them on. They wouldn't go on. I didn't understand. Had they shrunk? I kept trying to pull them on.

I said "Rachel, I think I have the wrong jeans."
Indeed, here are my real jeans:

Here are Rachel's jeans in comparison to my jeans.

It just took me more time than it ought to to figure it out, that's all.

#4 My nemesis:
the jumper that is SUPPOSED to look inside out.
Rachel bought this for me in one of her occasional attempts to reform me. It was a mistake from the start.
The rule I have in my head is this: "I know the jumper is on properly when it looks inside out. That's what this jumper is. It's an inside-out-jumper."
This is what it looks like, by the way:

It looks inside-out right? How cool, you're saying!
But the problem is, if I turn it the other way around it looks EVEN COOLER, to my eyes, AND you can see the tag that way, which is what you're supposed to be able to see when your jumper is on inside-out, right? See where I am heading? So this way around, to me it looks inside out, and nice and smart:

(See the tag on the lower-left...? See...? It's inside-out, right? i.e. the right way to wear it?)
Add to this the fact that the jumper is relatively symmetrical on the back-to-front axis as well, and you have my nemesis. I wear it correctly about 25% of the time. The other 75% of the time, if I'm lucky, Rachel notices and says:
"Steve! You've got the inside-out jumper on inside-out!"
Obviously, I reply: "But that's they you SAID I should wear it!"
Nothing good ever comes from this conversation, as you might imagine. In the end I do what she recommends.

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